A Day in the Life of Kory the Kunstner

It’s a been a long time since I’ve written a Kory the Kunstner entry (a fourth-rate of Bridget Jones’s Diary and “kunstner” means “artist” in Danish), I’ve almost forgotten how to write one and had to look up an old entry to see whether it’s in third or first person. Turns out it’s somewhere in between. Well here goes…

8:30 a.m. 
Wakes up. Was so excited, could barely sleep. Today is Windshield Replacement day. When one is unemployed and lives at home with one’s mom, getting one’s windshield replaced is important event that one looks forward to all week.

9:00 a.m. 
Arrives at family-owned glass business chosen based on snazzy website and Yelp reviews. Garage is very non-corporate-looking. Workers/family members wearing wife-beaters, but very knowledgeable and spunky. May pitch show idea to A&E/TLC/History Channel: “Glassholes: Here for you when someone busts a cap in yo’ glass.”

9:10 a.m.
Stops daydreaming and signs contract. Leaves car in the trusty hands of business patriarch.

9:15 a.m.
Gets picked up by sister on her day off.

9:25 a.m.
Arrives home and looks for jobs on the Internet. Logs off minutes before plunging into crippling depression again. Reads “Daredevil” comic books.

11:30 a.m.
Cleans up room a bit, then eats healthy, diet-friendly lunch.

11:50 a.m. 
Steps on scale. Frowns.

12:00 p.m. 
Goes shopping with sister as favor for picking me up and dropping off at glass place. Goes with her into Bath and Body Works. Pretends to employee that I’m manly and only here because of sister, but secretly is familiar with all their products.

12:30 p.m. 
Gets coffee at kinda-sorta-maybe-not trendy place with sister.

1:00 p.m.
Visits dad’s grave to water all flowers from Father’s Day.

1:05 p.m. 
Enormous spider crawls onto left arm. Freaks out, slams spider onto ground, and stomps on it. Notices people nearby. Gracefully regains composure.

1:30 p.m. 
Goes with sister to pick up her kids from summer school.

2:00 p.m.
Goes back to glass place and picks up car. New windshield looks invisible. Taps on glass to make sure this is not “Emperor’s New Clothes”-type situation.

2:05 p.m.
Pays for windshield. Annoyed at crappy sun visor blocking new windshield. Calls local Honda dealership to inquire about sun visor recall. Books future appointment.

2:30 p.m.
Arrives home. Takes nap.

4:00 p.m.
Wakes up. Reads daily newspaper and checks out online news. Reads that the historic Pier 29 is on fire. Oh no!

4:02 p.m. 
Realizes it’s Pier 29, not 39. Stops caring.

5:30 p.m. 
Goes out to car to admire new windshield.

5:40 p.m. 
Eats early dinner.

6:00 p.m. 
Takes out recycling. Does other chores.

8:00 p.m. 
Plops down in front of TV to watch “So You Think You Can Dance.” Gets jealous of all these people who think they can dance. Hears that there is a contestant named Mariah Spears. Chuckles.

10:00 p.m. 
Feels fat due to watching “So You Think You Can Dance.” Drives to gym.

10:10 p.m. 
Arrives at gym and works out to oddly gym-appropriate Tori Amos and Alanis Morissette songs on iPod.

12:00 a.m. 
Leaves gym, goes home, showers, and starts work on entry.

12:15 a.m.
Gets distracted by Yahoo News.

1:33 a.m.
Finally finishes entry. Hopes at least one person will read this.

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