KORY’S GUARANTEED, SUREFIRE TIPS FOR GETTING A JOB IN TODAY’S MARKET:
1. Try to already know somebody who runs a successful company – It’s simple really: you should try to already know a successful company where your college roommate’s father happens to be the CEO of the company. Then your foot is in the door and you’re on your way to success.
2. Take on unpaid, overworked, bordering on unlawful internships – These will help you network. So what if you can’t afford to take 20 hours a week off to slave for a company that doesn’t even provide a stipend for gas money or help with basic expenses like lunch–just get your wealthy parents to support you while you’re on your journey. After that, you should be ready for a paid internship, and eventually if the stars align and several other extenuating circumstances work out in your favor, you’ll get a great job.
3. Be perfect at everything – These days, you must be perfect and adept at everything any employer in the world will throw at you. For example, be well-versed in a countless number of software programs. Every software? You’ll have to know it, own it, breathe it. Who cares if it’s not technically possible for you to own legitimate versions of those software programs as an unemployed recent grad? Unlike in ancient times when companies would send you out for training to help you grow and bloom into the wonderful worker you could be, these days you’d better already come as a fully-developed multi-talented sunflower. As a new hire, you will be expected to have more skills than the person who works above you and gets paid three times as much as you do.
4. Be implausibly ambitious – When companies are requiring 5+ years full-time experience as a senior employee at a well-known company just to apply for a part-time position that pays slightly above minimum wage, they’re not kidding. You’ll have to do just that. Just figure it out.
5. Stand out by creating a name for yourself, just like everyone else is doing – These days you must already have an online presence or following if you want to get anywhere. Spend all your free time promoting yourself through popular websites like Twitter, LinkedIn, Tumblr, WordPress, etc, just like I’m trying to do right now by publishing these tips. Yes, it might seem like a lot of fruitless work, and you may be essentially creating a digital trail that you will not be able to scrub clean someday and might in fact hurt you in future endeavors, but that’s not important. You have to live in the moment. And right now the moment is about finding a job at a place where the boss wants to learn about you online.
6. Keep your chin up – Yes, writing a hundred cover letters and submitting resumes to companies that will probably never respond because they either have 1,000 other applicants to choose from, or because they already know who they want and just need to fill up the interview quota, may at times seem a smidge disheartening. But it will be OK–eventually you will luck out and your cover letter will end up being one of the ones the company considers, and then it will be a simple matter of competing with dozens of others at a job interview who are extremely charming, slick, quick-witted and aggressive.